Cold weather. Fresh air. Finally I thought it would be the best time to regenerate, not only for myself but also for our relationship that had been bruised. Yes. The love story that everyone thought is a fairy tale had gone out of control. And yes, it was the darkest day of my life. It was like a villain that had taken over over me and dragged me to the deepest. But just like any love story, or should I say, most love story deserves a second try. Here we are, trying to revive the love, time and moments we lost when we separate ways.
I tried my best. I tried so many things I know I am not used to be. But what the heck, I don’t give a damn. All I know is that I need this. I need to do things to revive this love story I thought would change my life. And yes, it did. It changes my entire life , the entire person I am right now. Regret? What is it for me now? For all I know, regret won’t be the best word to describe what I feel.
Expectation. Expectations. I really hate this word. Why it has to be in my life’s vocabulary? It brings hate; it brings tears to my eyes. It brings disappointments I can’t barely handle. It disheartens me that everything I thought would happen soon is now far from reality. Yes, expectations have created turmoil in my head. A weakening disease inside my heart and destroyed my being optimistic about life. I wonder how a single word can affect so many aspects of my life. How a single word gave me a time bomb tickering so quickly.
Yesterday is now a part of my life. I can never turn it back. Another wasted moment of what could have been. Is expectation the twin of insensitivity? I certainly hope not. Because if this is so, my love story is in danger right now. Yesterday, I thought I saw a glimmering possibility of what I needed all along. But guess what? It just passed by me just like a flowing water in my hand that quickly escapes. I thought it was the day. But yes, it is a day of another disappointment.
I never demanded so much in my life. All I want is to be just like any normal woman of my age. A nice life with the man of their lives. I wanted that. Who wouldn’t? Expectations claims to be the twin brother of insensitivity, yes, I believe in this case. I just hope I am so numb not to feel it. I feel like I am already trap and stuck forever. I thought I don’t want to escape but, as stars quickly vanish the sky, I wanted to go.
Yes, it is just a ring. But it’s the assurance that I needed all my life. I am breathing heavily. I feel that this no boundary ring will save me from this sanity I am going through. Why most woman of my age already have it, for God knows it is me who anticipated it all my life. Questioning myself doesn’t help. It only leaves me driving in the world of wandering.
Just a ring. Just a simple, inexpensive piece of scrap metal embedded with a life time commitment. Is it really too much to ask for?
I thought our love story is like that of a fairy tale. That one day, he will ask me to be his forever and swept me off my feet. But is it really for me? Or should I accept the fact that it’s not meant to be?
It’s funny how a single moment can damage you deep within your core. Now, I will try to learn to forget that piece of scrap metal. I will try to fall asleep when on a separate bed, there he is, sound asleep.
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